I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
