508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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