i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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