We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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