I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
