dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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