My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
