my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
