first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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