I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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