i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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