Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
