I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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