I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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