birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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