Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
