i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
