last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
