fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My life is pants optional.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
