I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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