The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
