i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
