I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
