if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Even my vagina gasped.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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