Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Found your dick twin last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
