so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
