True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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