My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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