The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
