i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
