Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm passing your future prison.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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