no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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