i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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