She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
