yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
