no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
