my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
