hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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