I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
