Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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