I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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