even my farts smell like vagina
Little spoons don't ask big questions
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
