I smell stomach acid.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
