someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
