i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
