Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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