in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
