I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
