The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
