I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
