Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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