I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
