So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
