I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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