YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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