well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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