She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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