I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize